A hazy morning does not mean a cloudy day...

Nothing is final. One day you're high. The next day you're low. You might have a funky, expressive or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like specific mash up of Electronic and Classical. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

Everything is fine. Not finAL.

We tend to instantly identify with "things". And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn't known to be true. It's a hope for the truth. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviors and then become too afraid to let them go. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.

And everything is fine.

Because I trust in the ever changing climate of the heart. I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance, provide great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though I put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.

Oh well, Courage is triumph of the soul I guess. and an Ass can still be of great service.

So Remember, you have the right to change your mind.

About anything.

Anytime.

This is not the ending.

P.S. - No doesn't mean forever. It simply means, "Not right now."

And on the topic of Not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.

You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.

I promise

Waxing and Waning hence ever changing...

jakey

Tutti. Fruitti. Haikutti.

You must click here!!!! Hit It...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8

In the aftermath of all the hospital visits and domestic circumstances beyond my control, I've been trying to get my Christmas spirit back so I've been listening to Christmas stations on the radio and this group came on. They're called "Straight No Chaser". They are SO fantastically awesome!!! I'm all Jolly already!

A Haiku:

Big Banana Smile
This Banana is a Trip
Love is Bananas



Have A Banana's Kind of Day!

jakey

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag Ludwig!

Happy Birthday Ludwig!

Yes bloggies, today is Beethoven's birthday. Woo hoo! let's party like its 1770...uh...okay maybe not but it would be cool if I can somehow time travel to that period when the music scene was transitioning from, the more traditional classical to romantic era. And Beethoven was definitely a crucial figure during that period. Contrary to popular belief that he was deaf all his life, he actually only started losing his hearing in his late twenties and gradually deteriorated from there.

Because of his hearing malady he wrote a lot to what modern day would translate to blogging. I love reading his letters to his "Immortal Beloved" He was quite romantic. The good old days when people still wrote love letters to each other...sigh...swoon.

The Letter: To The Immortal Beloved

July 6, in the morning

My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and you with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one: I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the postcoach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of the forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be-

Your faithful Ludwig

Evening, Monday, July 6

You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays - Thursdays - the only day on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, you are with me - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!!! thus!!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of Heaven? -

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, not and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can only live wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the lands of spirits - Yes unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V[ienna] is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - at my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in out connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes everyday - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the l[etter] at once. - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve out purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. -Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

Yes, I have a collection of classical giants bobblehead :) I heart Beethoven.

Auf Wiedersehen,

jakey

Paging Dr McSteamy, McDreamy and George Clooney!

I've always wondered why I never got into watching "Grey's Anatomy", "ER", "House" or any other variations of those long and winded medical tv shows. I realized yesterday, as I sat waiting in the emergency room that I really don't like hospitals at all. Ironic because as a kid, I always thought that I would someday grow up to become a doctor. Neither happened. I didn't grow (well only a little) and I'm in the thriving mortgage industry (notice the sarcasm and the snortfest in between the line). The best laid plans gone a wry!

I drove my sister Joan to the emergency room late in the afternoon yesterday because she was having difficulty breathing. After all the blood work, CT scan and 24 hours of monitoring was said and done the results came back as a case of a really severe asthma attack. Whew! Not to discount the severity of her situation but I'm glad it is only that. No weird complications or blood clot in her lungs. It's her STUPID and DISGUSTING smoking habit that sent her there this time around. SMOKING is SO bad for you! Yes, I'm talking to you too, Marge, Cecil and the rest of the pack rat! I'll get through you guys sooner or later.

As I sat in the gawd awful waiting room, flipping through the 2008 Christmas edition of Victoria's Secret catalog, I thought, Wow! Adriana looks so hot in that Teddy number... j/k. Actually, I was thinking about Dr's Mc Steamy, Mc Dreamy or the George Clooney's of the ER. Where the heck are they? The only McSteamy happening in the ER was the collective breaths from the wheezing, coughing and hyperventilating of the casualties fogging up the window! The happy faces of the actors on the show were replaced by the registration attendant who looked like she would also need to be admitted if she allowed herself even a crack of smile. The man in his forty's sitting quietly in the corner, face flushed and as he made his way to the bathroom walked ever so slowly with legs slightly bow legged, a hernia was my diagnosis. I've seen that look and walk before. The father rushing in to admit his 7 year old son who broke his left arm was crying out in agony. The little girl whimpering because she too also broke a bone, her pinky. It was so emotionally, mentally and physically draining to be surrounded with such energy. I finally crawled to bed at half past midnight and of course suffered through a night of fitful sleep.

For those of you who have known me for years know how mundane, predictable for the most part and habitual my life can be at times. All these unfortunate circumstances of late has forced me to juggle everything all at once and try not lose myself in the process. Here's what I'm realizing as I share this with you. Sudden catastrophies unite families, forces us to sit and stay put, possibly read a book, etc... Usually the damage is quick and the healing is what takes time. Yes, it sucks that such small tragedies occur and can sometimes off set us daily but I am happier already knowing all I have is healing ahead of me and that goes for the rest of the family as well.

By the way, I am aware that this world is huge. I am aware that I cannot possibly be aware of every sickness, accidents or mishaps. I understand there are families out there suffering worst problems and my heart sends out its message of peace, love and healing. But the next time you see me, a good tight hug or a pat on the back will be greatly welcomed, appreciated and reciprocated.

I hate to end this with doom and gloom so here's something completely random...

Hot friend: "I'm going to have duck confit sliders..."
Me: ... crickets ... thought bubble ..." Wow! Really? How can anyone ever eat this?"

Charlotte is human imprinted

Charlotte's baby

All together now.... Aaaaawwww, so cute!

Duck the Halls!!!

ps: he had kobe beef instead :)

jakey

Excuse me while I kiss this guy...

I had a full on sensory overload weekend. It started on Thursday night at the Opera: The entertainment for the evening was La Boheme. Great production, longest dying scene, good wine, good times.

My usual Friday night of scrap booking, sewing or harvesting toe nail clippings (zexy, i know!) was replaced with an invitation to dinner and a concert. I was treated to a home cooked meal. It was a very lovely dinner. I even got flowers. No, not the traditional arrangement. This one came in a form of Pinot Noir 2006 called Flowers. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it since I heart Cabs. I almost felt guilty for a second and then I moved on.

After dinner we went to see The SF Chorus Girls Choir or maybe it's the Chorus Girls of SF Choir...Oh wait, I got it... It's the Girls Chorus...ah feck it, you know what I mean jelly bean :) Anyhow, they sang traditional old world Christmas Carols and some contemporary ones as well. My favorite one was "Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day" ch-ch-check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq17LSg8uFM&feature=related

They also did a Sing-A-Long bit and that was pretty cool. I fought the urge to sing along for 2 reasons, A: Its not karaoke night, hence I was sober and B: My too cute to boot friend sang heartily enough for the both of us... :)

My most favorite part of the concert was the last song that they sang: 'Silent Night'. Yes, cliche I know but I always had this vision in my head of how 'Silent Night' should be sung, delivered and the whole ambiance. Check, check and check! It was beautifully done. I remember looking over to my gracious host and thought, it can't get any better than this.

Being the creature of habit that I am, I went on a hike Saturday morning for the first time at Marin Headlands. The sun was out, the temperature chilly and the wind factor, well, I'm still recovering from the wind burn on my cheeks. Nonetheless, it was my type of Saturday morning so it was perfect! As we sat on the top of the mountain, sipping hot tea with Sausalito, Tiburon, Mill Valley to our left peripheral view and the Golden Gate directly in front of us, my thoughts are silent and my inner voice at peace.

Here's an idea you can try to remind you of how magnificent and accessible the universe is. Next time you find yourself in the great outdoors and as you take stock of the beauty that is surrounding you and looking UP at the sky, remember that you're really looking OUT. Huh? what's Jake smoking now? Let me elaborate... Aren't we indeed simply stuck to the side of the planet? When you look at a picture of Earth, we're not necessarily on top of it. Nope. We're just stuck to the side of it; all of us just dangling out here on our sides of the rock. Thank God, Buddha, Yahweh, Allah for GRAVITY that is keeping us safe. Gravity is like the guard rail for that oh so exhilirating ride that you've been waiting to get on for like an hour! It's the fence that keeps us from peering too far over the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge. Gravity is our seat belt protecting us from oblivion. Pretty far out huh?

I promise this small activity; this paradigm shift in your thinking will make you feel different about the linear surface of the Earth, that which we often spend too many hours defending our egos, our political borders and religious beliefs.

If I'm in your thoughts, then I'm closer than I'll ever be

jakey

The Art of Being The Fifth Wheel

My dad is doing a lot better. Thank you for all the prayers and positive, healing thoughts. I am humbled. He is scheduled to be here on Monday. I welcome the opportunity to be able to spend Christmas with him. I honestly don't remember the last time we all spent Christmas together as a family. Should be interesting to say the least. Stay tuned for the next episode of "Dysfunctional Family Gone Wild Over Christmas Ham" :)

So prior to the excitement of the past weekend, I actually had a really fun Thanksgiving. It's been a while since I did the whole song and dance of splitting celebration. Goes with the territory when you're in a relationship. "Okay honey, who gets lunch and who gets dinner this year?" bit. I haven't had to worry about that for close to 3 years now and I have to say that it's been a nice break to not have to run around like a headless chicken...err...turkey :) This year though the monotony was broken. I had lunch with family and then dinner at my boss' house. Any time spent with the fam is guaranteed good times. Staying true to being the perpetual family ham, watch this and laugh with me...

Dinner at my boss' house was super fun as well. I ate like it was going out of style and drank a good amount of wine. After dinner, we played Mafia. This is hands down THE COOLEST GAME EVER!!! So being raised in a military like environment, a paid assassin for a father (an exaggeration of course, but you get my point) and a trained shot, I totally rocked the game. Every single time I called out the Mafia, I was dead on (no pun intended). It's easy though. People can be so transparent especially when they are inebriated. Ahmad, my boss, did the best God voice.

The 25 pounder birdie

And of course sticking to our shopping tradition and when I say tradition, it means that this is only the 2nd year we have done this. My mom, her manfriend ( I would say boyfriend but he's too mature to be called that), my sister, her partner and I made our way to Vegas for our annual after Thanksgiving shopping madness! Yes, I am the perpetual 3rd, 13th, or in this case the 5th wheel. I don't mind it at all though. I have mastered the art. Being the 5th wheel is no easy task. There's more people to keep track off and in making sure that I spend an equal amount of time with each person. I have to be sensitive to their alone time or intuitive enough to know when it's time for me to butt-in to their conversation that is fast becoming an argument. There is a fine balance to it. And if you're buying into all of this, then I must say that, I have also mastered the art of bullshitting :)

We left home around 12:30 in the morning. Armed with my iPod, Po, and a blanket I slept most of the way through, aside from the occasional bathroom breaks. Got to town at around 8:30ish in the morning and went straight to the outlets and shopped our patooties off. Needless to say, by the time we checked into the hotel later on that evening I pretty much passed out.

Geek in the Pink

View from our room

Her name is Eli...so cute!




Don't sweat the small stuff...love the small stuff :)

jakey

Stepping out for a bit...

This morning I woke up and my voice is gone. My thoughts are weary from events of the past couple of days. I am not present for your smile, hug or your generous listening. Today I give my all to the quiet devotion of prayer.

My dad had a stroke over the weekend. The stubborn being that he is helped himself with extra servings of the Thanksgiving turkey, ham and whatever else that was served to him. He had a quadruple by-pass about ten years ago so he should have known better. Tempting nature is never a good thing. He’s in a stable condition for now and his high blood pressure is mostly reversed but he’s not completely out of the woods yet. We’re supposed to get the MRI results by tomorrow to find out the percentage of the damage. I am grateful that he’s in a better disposition. I was at a loss when I heard of the news since I just made my peace with him not too long ago.

Today my energy falls short and my vocal adrift leaving me vacant as the wind of silence passes through me. I liken it to the weight of a broken heart. The clouds of potential thoughts are heavy today. It feels like rain.

The littlest warrior inside of me is screaming: It can’t rain all the time. The sun will come out. My voice will be heard. To let the rain stop me would be to let my mind stop me from living. And so, I take cover under the umbrella of my beloved…

jakey