When I go surfing, I don’t think about falling or doing it wrong. I’m not scared. I don’t have fear. I am always stoked, with the biggest grin on my face.
If I paddle for a wave, take off, stand up, and eat it. I don’t get discouraged, I don’t get mad. I never think to myself “Man, I suck!!” In fact, a good wipeout is a very humbling experience, and it always reminds me that I shouldn’t take life too seriously. And it always results in me laughing hysterically, as I swim back to my board.
When I’m out there, floating in the ocean, I’m goofy, I’m free, and I’m like a kid. It reminds me of one of those Astro jumps I would play on at my niece or nephew’s birthday party. But bigger, and more beautiful shades of blue and gentle.
The truth is, I’ve never been happier than when I’m surfing.
And then I thought to myself, WOW…I should take on this outlook, and apply it to the rest of the things in my life. (Duh!)
Opening up –
I’ve been feeling down lately. Someone said something to me a few weeks ago that threw me off balance. My emotions are a little out of sorts.
I’ve been trying to move past the fear and self-doubt that poked its ugly head out ever since I had the conversation but it’s getting harder and harder each day.
What do I want, where do I want to be, do I even know what it is that I want? I’m always so care free and have mastered living in the moment that I should sit down and figure out my future. I’m not getting any younger. I’m not successful enough, not determined enough. Not focused enough…blah, blah, blah. Aaaaahhhhh!
So I have been thinking a lot about it and I’m feeling even more lost because I thought I had it all figured out. I just want to be happy. I never really strived for wealth or power. Does that make me a bad person or lacking ambition?
My drive in life was never about making tons of money and getting to the top. Doing good to self and others drives me. Does this make me unsuccessful?
If I decide to walk away from my “stable” 8-5 boring as all hell, cookie cutter job and join the circus, does that make me a total failure? Well, maybe this one yeah, since I will be throwing myself to the pack of wolves, aka Clowns!!!!
Why do people measure success with what you do for a living, how much money you make, what title you hold, what kind of car you drive? For me that’s not a measure of success, that’s just the ego talking.
How about we measure it by how many true friends we have, the loving relationships we maintain and cultivate with our family, the healthy way we love ourselves - to live with compassion and kindness to self and others. Why can’t that be a measure of success? Why are there less and less people that are successful this way?
Everyone has his or her own version of what makes one successful, I suppose. Obviously, I’m a total failure/loser to this person because I didn’t live up to their version.
So what do I do then when one of my top list measures of success is to make sure that this person is happy?
I am conflicted. Tired. Not present. Unhappy.
I don’t want to be sad. But I am having frequent moments.
I'm waiting to get so annoyed with my sadness that I snap out of it.
But sometimes it’s like do I think that I am supposed to be sad, and that’s why I am sad… or am I really kind of sad?
I’m scared
The only place I seem to be happy right now is in the ocean.
Guess its good to know I’m still human.
Sigh
J
