Love More... Seed Less

The other day I paid a $1.49 for gas

Holy shit snacks!

Where did I go to get it so cheap??!!!!

Taco Bell (^_^)

"a wise monkey is a monkey who doesn't monkey with another's monkey"- Sierra Leonean Proverb

A guy walks in the gym, talks to the personal trainer and asks him which "machine" he should use to get all the girls attention. Personal trainer looks around and pointed to the corner of the room. Guy scratches his head... But that's the "ATM machine".

Sometimes, you gotta laugh to keep from crying and such is the case from yours truly. It has been a roller coaster ride for Tugboat and I for the last week and a half. He has been in and out the hospital as well as on and off the operation table. Not to go into the ugly detail but it's basically a classic case of a hack veterinarian who did quite possibly the worst botched job ever!!!! I can't talk about it right now without the use of excessive expletives but upset, irritated and screaming bloody murder would be a gross understatement. I have been struggling with the guilt of not being able to do more for my dog. All I can do at this point is to make sure that I administer the pain meds and the antibiotics every 8 hours. He's out of the woods now and on his way to recovery but it has been a very rough ride.

You always hear people say that raising a dog is the best preparation before having kids. I am realizing more and more that if that is really the case then there's no way in hell I am fit to be a mom right now and/or heaven forbid raise one by myself! Being a single mom is NO BUENO!!!

Thank goodness for my amazing support system of friends and family for helping me pull through mentally and emotionally. I love you all SO SO much. As for me and Tugboat - the worst is over; healing is what takes time.

Brunch at Cliffhouse - yum!

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere. —Frank A. Clark

In Gratitude,

Jakey

All shades of Gray

When God sends rain, I choose rain
I hope your Gray day
Is a Hooray day

Gray is the new black
Or is it orange?
The sky is Gray
Let's have a field day


Last night, I went to my most favorite concert to date. My special someone and I saw David Gray for two blissful hours at the symphony hall. I have been listening to his music since college but never had the chance to see him live until now.

I LOVED every minute of it. With each heartbreaking, happy and hopeful song, he reached under my skin thus giving me goosebumps. I was on the edge of my seat half of the time. As if trying to get closer to this man who has written the soundtrack to my love life.

He sang one of my most favorite song during his encore and I wanted so much to jump out of my seat and scream to the universe and to him how much I love the song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eo-tp0JZvUA

I let out a big sigh after the song ended and looked to my left...


We're not here for a long time. We're here for a good time. Let go and enjoy ~

Jakey

I Choose To...

The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.
—Rachel Naomi Reme

Over the weekend, the special someone and I met up for some quality time at a cafe nearby and had a late lunch. We talked, laughed, made googly eyes at each other and connected in ways that we don't normally get to do all too often because we always find ourselves in the midst of a social setting that doesn't really allow us to talk much with each other. Whether at a bar, a brunch with friends, a loud restaurant or even at the end of the day when we are both depleted that silence is the only available form of communication.

Sitting in the cafe, late afternoon, sipping on tea, I looked around the room and noticed that every single person there was on their laptop. We were the only ones wirelessly disconnected yet we cannot be anymore connected.

I wish I took a picture of the scene. I almost felt uncomfortable. Like I didn't belong in this 'I'm too hip to talk to the person next to me' cafe. The ironic thing is that I bet more than a handful of them are on some type of a social networking site "connecting" with their friends.

Yes, I am old fashioned. I like connecting face to face. I love the feel of human touch. I am a bottomless resource of hugs. I gave my now boss a hug after my first interview - I got hired a day and a half later. I have a very impressive hug resume :)

Now, I'm not socially retarded that I walk around giving free hugs to just about anyone. I am selective too, but if you open up your arms to me and I feel comfortable enough with you, I will wrap my silly self around you and envelope you in a comforting embrace.

How I'm connected:

My Beloved Family

My community

My bestest girlfriends

My Special Someone

My foot warmer (^_^)

Connection Complete...

Jakey

The Other Side of Someday...

I started Yoga again a few short weeks ago and now I wonder why I ever stopped. Maybe because I needed a break from the routine or my constant moving about has left me with little to no energy. I haven't stayed long enough in one place to plant my feet on the ground. From my mid 20's up to now, I've moved about 4-5 times. That's a moving rate of every 2 years or so. I can say though that the move here to the City has been the best one yet. I finally feel like I can stick around and really build a life here. At least that's how I feel right at this moment.

Tuesday's yoga session became an hour long of purging. I cried almost all the way through. The class always starts with meditation. The theme was the heart. It was almost as if, the instructor knew exactly what I needed. He had us meditate on sending out loving, forgiving and compassionate energy. This practice is called meta meditation. First he had us focus on someone we really love and send that person an abundance of loving thoughts. Second was to send forgiveness to a person who has hurt us the most in the past. Last was the combination of the first two plus compassion and this was to be given to ourselves. Thanks to the ambient lighting, constantly closed eyes and the recent added bangs that one can hardly tell that I was weeping my heart out.

I've been on a non-stop whirlwind ride for the past couple of months that I hardly have any time to sit down and process. I'm occupied and surrounded with people I love and doing things that I feel passionately about that I neglect to get in touch with myself to re-group. When I fail to write on my journal or express myself through this medium of communication, I feel somewhat disconnected.

My volunteer efforts is finally coming into fruition. I have picked my cause and committed to it. My intention though is to have more people get involved and share my yen for volunteering. This will happen in time, I suppose. For now, I will continue to dedicate time and effort to my cause and hopefully move and inspire others to do so as well.

I also started dancing again. My first love. I'm starting off with a weekly hula class for now since I don't want to get overwhelmed like I did 3 years ago. That was sheer madness!

So why the tears? Because of late, I am becoming acutely aware of how much I want to have someone to share my passions with - outside of my friends and family. To hold my hand and be my pillar of strength when needed, as I will be to him. To walk through life with me and not worry about the other shoe dropping. To take comfort in the unknown, knowing that no matter what happens we will be there and be each other's number one cheerleader. To finally get off the Dating Unicycle I've been on for years. I want someone to be on the other side of my someday with me. No longer do I seek the next high nor am I waiting for the next best thing. To be in a committed relationship full of love, respect and common goal. A relationship where I know there's constant growth because we inspire each other to become better than we were. For the love that I sent that evening to be reciprocated. This is what the other side of my someday looks like.

My special someone of late would be a person I would want to share this with but he has his own passions and his own version of his someday. Our paths have crossed once but it didn't work out back then and we parted ways. Time passed and then one day out of the blue, he reached out and our paths have crossed once again. Will it continue to traverse together? Heaven only knows. My intentions are out there for the Universe, God and the Powers Be to heed. We'll have to see how it manifests. But as always, everything is fine, not final. The heart is malleable, the mind ever changing. Today I want comfort and security while tomorrow will bring a whole new set of emotions. Thank goodness for Chartreuse!

Signing off with a video of Tugboat being so freakin' adorable!





Bangs courtesy of my multi-talented bff, Lian





Namaste,
Jakey

Bête noire

With a heavy heart, I wake

Tears welling at the dam

The sun offers not comfort

But the reality of another day

Fear came in the night

Like a thief, it crept

Tucked in the corner

My confidence it took

Stumbling through the day

Looking for my voice

Colors muted

The light blinding

Never alone

Love is omnipresent

Tomorrow, I'll smile

And cherish you

The climate of the heart

Is ever changing

I will be safe

In you, I will trust

Evening is upon us

Hold you in my arms

Keep you in my heart

Fear, I should not

j

Joy to the Small World

1.11.11

- to some it's read as today's date

- to others it equals 5

- and even then it could also equal to 23

I pick 5 as in High Five!

Eleven days into the year, I struggled to give this blog a title. I normally write about my New Year's Resolution way before the new year approaches or give my yearly review a day or two before the year ends. However, I was hard pressed to find the time to sit down and write about it until now.

And so it goes - My 'New Year's Resolution' is 'Now Here's Resolution'.

I resolve to take the 'positive thinking' further into 'positive articulation' and eventually 'positive action'. Its about giving voice to the positive thoughts , sharing it with others and then putting it into action.

This year's New is Now. I'm not doing anything new so to speak but instead doing it Now. I resolve to volunteer more and taking it one step further by picking my own cause, creating a group and collectively make a difference.

I resolve to shift my thinking paradigm from the "have to" to the "get to". More often than not I find myself saying - I 'have to' go to work. I 'have to' do groceries. I 'have to' go see my mom. I fail to see the importance and the privilege of being able to "get to" work because I have a job. I "get to" do groceries because I have the resource and most importantly, I "get to" see my mom because I love her so much and I am very fortunate to have her in my life Now. Let's all make the conscious effort to catch ourselves from saying "have to" instead of "get to" and in return open the possibility for more gratefulness in our lives.

All is Well. All is Love.

My favorite moments in 2010:

January -

This picture was taken on one of my Saturday morning Farmer's Market trip. My favorite noodle place is right behind me (Imperial Tea Court). I was staring off the distance looking for Azmeera and Brian to have lunch with them. It was a good day.

March -

Butchart Gardens in Victoria, BC is my absolute favorite garden. I have been there three times and in different season each time. The Sunken garden behind me is breathtaking in person. This was the garden that first introduced me to the wonderful world of Dahlias back in 2003.

This was a very bittersweet day. Azmeera and Tanya joined me for my usual Saturday Ferry Building walk while consoling my aching heart. In the afternoon, we stopped at a coffee shop and Azmeera gave us our bridesmaid presents. I loved everything. I received my favorite gold J necklace and have been wearing it almost everyday since.

Azmeera's bachelorette party was the craziest night of my life and I was completely sober. The party fell during Lenten season, hence no drinking for me. This was definitely the funnest party I've ever had the opportunity to plan and host. To this day, the girls and I still find ourselves referring to that evening with such great delight and it still garners plenty of giggles whenever the topic comes up.

Naked man on the bed, whip cream on the floor, room full of screaming girls... Chaos!

April -

Azmeera gave us the perfect pre-wedding pampering. I had so much fun getting a mani-pedi while drinking Champagne. We were all pretty tipsy by the time we walked out of the salon. We even got a Tarot card reading. Although the lady was full of shit and pretty much gave us all the same generic reading, it was still a fun experience.

I have been to many weddings before from the huge, elaborate, no expense spared to the small, budgeted, i'll race you to the altar ones. Heck, I even planned my own at one point although it didn't happen which by the way is a very good thing but Azmeera and Brian's was my favorite of them all. It was the perfect union of family and friends with abundance of love and good energy. Such a beautiful wedding.

Tanya and I were coming back from the bathroom when this picture was taken. I have no idea what we were laughing about. I make up that our conversation went something like this:

Me: Traffic should be spelled with a U instead of an I.

Tanya: If we had an 8th day of the week - we should devote it to sleep and call it "Drool's Day"

or something like that :)

My most favorite wedding I have ever had the privilege to dance. The only thing that could top this off in my book is to dance at my own.

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

May -

My first Bay to Breakers. This was such a fun day full of laughs and bathroom breaks both public and private... shame-shame, I know.

This was taken on my 32nd birthday at Cat Club. Everyone made it out that night although we couldn't fit all of us in this picture. I felt so loved. I spent a wonderful day with my mom, saw Peter Pan at Ferry Park and partied all night with my beloved friends. When I finally got home that evening, my mom who spent the night at my place made me tea because I was SOOOO DUHRUNK! hee hee

June -

Go BoSox! - enough said...

July -

Zairina took this candid shot - we were in Carmel and I just had a creme brulee which I got to torch myself. I like travel size torches - they make me happy or it could be the sugar high from having a full ramekin of creme brulee all to myself - no sharing needed.

This picture was taken after a long day of rafting. We were tired, hungry and my eyes have gone all doolally - good times

August -

This picture still cracks me up to this day. I attempted to finish that burrito 3 times to no avail. I finally gave up around midnight when I could not possibly take another bite. It was good but ridiculous!

This was a fun bike ride. I've never pedaled so hard in my life. I was depleted by the end of the day but I've never felt better. This day opened up the possibilities for other bike rides later on -

This was taken on our way back to the car coming from the best picnic ever. We were at Tomales Bay and was treated to amazingly fresh oysters and yummy food. My favorite dish aside from the oysters were the grilled veggies, particularly the stuffed eggplant - delicious!

LOL!!!! This is what finishing a bottle of Champagne, 2 dozen oysters and a Saturday with nothing on the agenda, can do to you - it was a warm and glorious day in the City. Ms and Mrs. Feeman-Pandile. She shops for dresses while I peruse the kids aisle. I guess neither of us wears the pants in this relationship (^_^)

Aaaawww, I HEART this picture SOOO much. The genuine happiness, the gentle embrace, the invisible bond that holds us all "In Love" -

Tanya's 70's themed bday party was totally Far Out! I love dressing up. Any reason to bust out my platforms and bell bottoms is a party I want to be, without fail.

September -

Volunteered at the Dahlia Dell - I got a bunch of dahlia trimmings that day and they brightened my place for close to a week and a half.

This was my first and last long bike ride with Aubergine. It was the perfect first and last -

Tu me manques -

Yes, my butt was sore after riding for 3 hours and I had about another hour after this silly picture was taken -

I think this was taken on Labor Day weekend. We went to Dolores park and had a picnic. This was a favorite moment because I had a huge lunch, a pint of honey lavender ice cream from bi-rite, and watermelon for good measure - I literally passed out and took a disco nap in the park :)

Volunteered at the Ghirardelli Chocolate Festival - YUM! I was sugar high all afternoon -

October -

My lil' stud muffin at 6 weeks old - this was the first time I ever laid eyes on him. I was only supposed to watch my sister's kids for the night and I came home with a puppy the next day.

Volunteered for the SF Senior Center during Fleet Week. This was my favorite volunteer event last year. It was great to have the girls show up and my special someone reserved the seats.

This was taken at LAX club at the Luxor in Vegas. We spent most of our evening on this couch. Giggled, talked and people watched. It was a fun weekend with the girls.

November -

Volunteered at the Rose Garden in Golden Gate Park - I also went home with a bunch of trimmings that day and gave mini rose bouqets to the girls.

It's not so much that the roses have thorns, more like the thorns have roses!

Ah yes, the puzzle. Who could forget my favorite project of last year? So, so fun!

Zairina and I went on a full day hike. We started at Mt. Tamalpais and made our way down to Stinson Beach and then back. We had a picnic on the beach, gossiped like school girls, got tipsy and called it a good day.

Someday...

I remember this moment in detail for it was the day that lit my ass on my fire to get up and make a difference. That I have the resource to give back to my community. I have my friends, family and the Source to make it all possible. I am moved.

December -

At my new favorite bar (Smuggler's Cove) with the girls and my special someone. I was so drunk when this picture was taken. I tasted about 3-4 different kinds of rum that night on top off the regular cocktails I had.

Her name is Chloe and she's an in vitro baby. It took her mom and dad 16 tries with her being the 16th. She's the sweetest little girl I have ever met. I can only hope and pray that I will someday raise a child of my own with such sweet demeanor... Hmm, what do you think bloggies? I think mine would be a spaz monkey just like me (ha ah ha!). She is so precious -

I rung in the New Year with my nearest and dearest. I was with my beloved family up until midnight to ring in the new year and then hopped in my car afterwards to make my way back home to meet with the girls and my special someone. I've always believed that how you spend your NYE and New Year's day sets the tone for the rest of the year - 2010 ended on a very positive note. I was present, immersed in the moment, covered in embrace, blanketed in love.

Hugs and Licks -

Jakey and Tugboat

Thank you for reading