Attraversiamo

"Attraversiamo. The formal Italian translation is, “Let us cross over” but is typically used in a more informal manner much like the way you would beckon to a friend as if to say, “Let’s cross the street”. I learned of this word through reading a beautiful travel memoir called “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. "

Over the weekend, God knocked on my front door and told me to sit down because he was about to unload to me years of suppressed emotions, resentment, buried memories and the man behind it all, my dad. To say that I don’t have the healthiest relationship with my dad would be considered a gross understatement. How can one have a healthy relationship when there was never one to begin with?

My dad is in town for a visit. To reconnect in his own clumsy way to the family that he so long ago abandoned, a little bit of shopping, and a whole lot of ego puffing. The last time I saw him was close to four years ago. I don’t know what’s so different this time around but he’s definitely affecting me in ways that I find myself shaken to the core. I definitely attribute it to the level of self awareness that I have now compared to four years ago. I am more cognizant of his shortcomings and how much he’s missed out on my life. I hung out with him for most of the weekend and with each passing minute, I saw myself regressing to my childhood, teenage, college years and up until recent memories. I struggle to remember him ever being there when I was dead smack in the middle of life’s throes and I am dumbfounded. I can’t recall his presence in any of it.

To his credit, he was at my college graduation party some few years back but even then, our communication were terse and lacked the emotions called for in such a momentous time in my life. I managed to graduate top of my class (Cum Laude) and all the while working full time and even held two jobs at one point. Not once did I remember him acknowledging what I had accomplished. Instead he sat in the corner of the room, refused to mingle with the rest of my family and just eventually faded into the background. I wanted him to take part in that joyous event. I wanted him to tell everyone how proud he was of me. Not a single word was said. Another missed opportunity. He kept to himself. He complained about being too tired, too sleepy, and too good to even care about anything else but him. I realized a few years later that he can’t stand not being the center of attention. It was almost like he was desperately seeking attention to anyone who would give it to him. He’s so consumed with pacifying his own ego that he cannot even manage to share a little bit of the spotlight with his daughter. Not that I’m seeking that type of attention, I am far more adjusted than that.

I digress. Compliments, praises and flattery from other people are fleeting. One must have the emotional security within themselves because at the end of the day, you only have yourself to answer to and in my case God as well. When all the sycophants of our daily lives are gone, we are left with what we have inside of us, whether it’s good or bad, happy or sad. That’s one thing I’ve learned the hard way. I don’t seek approval from outside forces, it is futile. Instead, I seek solace within myself and having that strength and wisdom is far more lasting that anyone can ever tell me. In other words, I don’t need someone else telling me that I look good, I know that I do because I take care of myself. I am a worthwhile person regardless of whether we agree or not agree. My security comes from within, not approval by others. Now, don’t mistake my confidence for arrogance, I’m telling you now, I’m not. I still have my fair share of insecurities that I struggle with on a daily basis but self worth is not one of them.

Going back to my dad, as I sat in the car, or in front of the T.V. or wherever else we found ourselves at the moment I cannot help but analyze everything that he was saying and how it was affecting me emotionally. Talk about being in the moment, I was bathing in it. I was so aware of the emotions that were rising inside of me and most of it felt like it was ascending from the pit of a black abyss. I was almost terrified of my own reactions. How can this stranger of a father get me so worked up? Simple, these emotions, feelings, thoughts and reactions are all mine. He was the catalyst but he’s definitely not the answer or the means to an end. Therefore, I had to own up to these little demons for the lack of better words and fight them off. Get rid of them once and for all and get to the other side.

So for the past several days, I have been collecting myself. Gathering the little broken bits of my heart to let the healing begin. Yes, he plays a huge role in my life which is ironic because he shirked away from it for almost all of 30 years. But I’ve resolved it with me to face the reality that he is not and will never be the father I hoped he could be. I am slowly accepting him for who he is. Lately, the theme of my learning is all about removing expectations. So here it is again. I am removing any expectations from him and moving on with my life to a healthier place. I am slowly but surely dealing with the emotions that have risen to the surface of late. Not to sound masochistic but I actually welcome these feelings of bitterness, anger and resentment because it gives me the opportunity to shine a light to those dark places and turn it around. Acknowledge that I am harboring these ugly feelings, work through them, accept that everything happens for a reason and then finally heal and move on. I am still working through it but someday soon I will be crossing over to a place of peace, acceptance and forgiveness. I will always respect him because he is my dad and I will love him from a safe distance.

jakey