Christmas Day Hike-u

I woke up this morning a bit disoriented. My usual wake up call of soothing music from my iPod was replaced by the sound of Christmas music blasting from outside my bedroom door. My sister decided to turn up the cheer by playing Christmas carols. By the way, my all time favorite Christmas movie is "It's Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown". I cannot get enough of the Peanuts gang singing - Christmas Time is Here...I heart it!

I slowly inched my foot to the edge of the bed and outside the cocoon that I had wrapped myself in through the night. Greeted by the chill in the air, I quickly tucked my feet under the blanket to allow myself the additional 5 minutes of solace as I contemplated on how I would want my day to be. Yes, each day I wake up and I give myself personal mantra's or daily affirmations if you will. This morning though was different. I couldn't come up with anything. Mental block. All I can come up with was to get my butt out of the bed, dress warm because I was going for a hike!

Fifteen minutes later, armed with my rain coat, thermals underneath my sweats, iPod, thermos and one determined spirit I was well on my way. About 25 minutes into my hike, the sky opened up and hail came pouring down. This is the first time I've ever been caught in this type of element before. One word, OUCH! The wind was blowing in all sorts of direction causing the little droplet of pellets to be more lethal. Though it felt like an eternity, it actually only lasted no more than 5 minutes. Afterwards the ominous clouds dissipated and revealed clear, blue sky. I reached the summit and the view was victorious. I felt renewed. My mantra came. Mother nature embraced me in her arm with the sun shining brightly down on me. She offered words of comfort that is much needed. Once again, I am at peace. The clamor in my mind was quited. The ache in my heart started healing. All is well. Everything will be okay.

After the torrential downpour

Hiking offers so much more than an exercise to me. It gives me the chance to reflect on what is and what's not important in my life. It allows me to do a mental check of where I'm at, what I'm feeling, why and how I can make it better. When I am out looking at the majestic view of the sky above with surrounding mountains around me, I am humbled. It helps me put things into perspective. The small, minute, trivial stuff that we pay so much attention to somehow looks so ridiculous and paltry.

Today, I am looking at a fork on the road. I have a decision to make. The road ahead is paved with uncertainties, there are many blind corners and sharp curves. The road to the right would be to take a chance, to either free fall into oblivion or to have someone meet me halfway and not go it alone. The other way is home, where I know I'll be safe in my own thoughts and in my own words. I know this way, I have gone through it many times over. A close friend of mine once told me that falling in love is like a trapeze act. You're on one side and you're beloved on the other end. You jump off the platform and start swinging their way. Hoping the whole time that they are swinging towards you as well to catch each other and free fall into love. Once in a while though you don't get caught but instead you fall down the safety net below. And all is well. You can stay for as long as you need to until you find the courage and the strength to get back up again and swing.

...I'm standing on the platform, my palms are sweaty, my breath shallow, beads of sweat forming on my forehead...

The new year is fast approaching and I welcome it with both arms flailing. I am excited to see what's in store for me. It's been at tough 2008. It's probably one of my most challenging year yet but I wouldn't change a thing. I have learned so much about myself, my limits, my capabilities and how much I surprise myself at times.

After my hike, I went home and enjoyed an afternoon with my family, without my dad. Long and complicated story that really deserves its own blog. I ate, drank, talked and was present for everyone. This morning's hike gave me the confidence that wherever I travel, at whatever expense and whoever it's with, I was doing exactly as I should; existing in harmony with everything and everyone else. I took a nap in the afternoon and saw Marley and Me in the evening. Yes, I was by myself but I'm never alone...

jakey

What Kind Of A Present, Does the Present, Present?

My Saturday hike was amazing! I finally did the Stinson Beach trail that I've been wanting to do for quite sometime now but never really had the chance to do so or find the right person to do it with. With the amount of rain that we have been getting lately, the sky was perfectly clear, the air was fresh and the ground still damp. I love the smell of the ground after it rains. We were able to see the San Francisco skyline. The lines of the buildings were clear. No fog to blur the vision. It was breathtaking. The surface of the ocean was still. The silence was almost tangible. It was my kind of day.

Twin Peaks

Stinson Beach

Thought bubble: I really want a big fat burger right now...

I finally had the chance to decorate my Christmas tree last night. I stayed up in the wee hours of the evening putting up holiday decors around the house. In times past I've always had significant others or a friend or two helping me set up the tree, put up the stockings and add the finishing touches. This year, I was by myself. I put up my own tree, hung my own stocking and made myself a nice cup of hot chocolate. As I stood on the ladder last night putting the star on top of the tree, I thought, thank goodness I only got a three foot tall one. Somehow, my subconscious knew that this year I will be alone, no one else to turn the tree at a 45 degree angle so that my favorite ornament can really shine or cut the extra branch sticking out an inch longer than the one above it. Hey, we all have our own idiosyncrasies :)

My mind plays tricks on me from time to time and makes me wish I had someone to share moments like last night. Someone other than the inaudible music playing in the background or my collection of stuffed animals, someone to hold my hand and say I love you. My heart knows who that person is and I think of him as I sat gazing up at the tree. And just like that, he was there with me. I can feel him enveloping me in a warm embrace without him being there and even without him knowing it. It is a feeling I create.

We choose love. We choose anger. We choose happiness. We choose boredom.

You pick and choose based on the rush you give your body when it experiences a certain emotion. Some people, or the lack of some people, help you trigger these emotions. So if you want Joy, all you have to do is trigger it yourself.

I am not alone. If I'm in your thoughts and you in mine then we are closer than we'll ever be.

Christmas is but a mere two days away. Be present in the presence of others. Make of it a holiday to remember. It's your day. It's your experience. How will you remember it?

My idiosyncracy on display

ever present,

jakey

A hazy morning does not mean a cloudy day...

Nothing is final. One day you're high. The next day you're low. You might have a funky, expressive or awful haircut today, but soon it will grow into something else, something new and random. Maybe you grew up liking pop music and boy bands, but now you like specific mash up of Electronic and Classical. Perhaps you were madly in love last week, but woke up today feeling comfort in solitude, without a desire to be held.

Everything is fine. Not finAL.

We tend to instantly identify with "things". And we believe in so much, when in fact, a belief isn't known to be true. It's a hope for the truth. We think that certain things, thoughts, or actions make us who we are and sometimes we become addicted to those thoughts or behaviors and then become too afraid to let them go. One day I feel like I have all the wisdom of the world and the next day my soul wears thin and I stutter just ordering ice cream.

And everything is fine.

Because I trust in the ever changing climate of the heart. I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. These meanderings, rants, and blogs for instance, provide great deal of comfort just sharing it, even though I put a part of myself on the line to be criticized or considered an ass.

Oh well, Courage is triumph of the soul I guess. and an Ass can still be of great service.

So Remember, you have the right to change your mind.

About anything.

Anytime.

This is not the ending.

P.S. - No doesn't mean forever. It simply means, "Not right now."

And on the topic of Not right now, whatever happened to you in the past is not happening now.

You will be safe behind your honest decisions and mood swings.

I promise

Waxing and Waning hence ever changing...

jakey

Tutti. Fruitti. Haikutti.

You must click here!!!! Hit It...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8

In the aftermath of all the hospital visits and domestic circumstances beyond my control, I've been trying to get my Christmas spirit back so I've been listening to Christmas stations on the radio and this group came on. They're called "Straight No Chaser". They are SO fantastically awesome!!! I'm all Jolly already!

A Haiku:

Big Banana Smile
This Banana is a Trip
Love is Bananas



Have A Banana's Kind of Day!

jakey

Alles Gute zum Geburtstag Ludwig!

Happy Birthday Ludwig!

Yes bloggies, today is Beethoven's birthday. Woo hoo! let's party like its 1770...uh...okay maybe not but it would be cool if I can somehow time travel to that period when the music scene was transitioning from, the more traditional classical to romantic era. And Beethoven was definitely a crucial figure during that period. Contrary to popular belief that he was deaf all his life, he actually only started losing his hearing in his late twenties and gradually deteriorated from there.

Because of his hearing malady he wrote a lot to what modern day would translate to blogging. I love reading his letters to his "Immortal Beloved" He was quite romantic. The good old days when people still wrote love letters to each other...sigh...swoon.

The Letter: To The Immortal Beloved

July 6, in the morning

My angel, my all, my very self - Only a few words today and at that with pencil (with yours) - Not till tomorrow will my lodgings be definitely determined upon - what a useless waste of time - Why this deep sorrow when necessity speaks - can our love endure except through sacrifices, through not demanding everything from one another; can you change the fact that you are not wholly mine, I not wholly thine - Oh God, look out into the beauties of nature and comfort your heart with that which must be - Love demands everything and that very justly - thus it is to me with you, and you with me. But you forget so easily that I must live for me and for you; if we were wholly united you would feel the pain of it as little as I - My journey was a fearful one: I did not reach here until 4 o'clock yesterday morning. Lacking horses the postcoach chose another route, but what an awful one; at the stage before the last I was warned not to travel at night; I was made fearful of the forest, but that only made me the more eager - and I was wrong. The coach must needs break down on the wretched road, a bottomless mud road. Without such postilions as I had with me I should have remained stuck in the road. Esterhazy, traveling the usual road here, had the same fate with eight horses that I had with four - yet I got some pleasure out of it, as I always do when I successfully overcome difficulties - Now a quick change to things internal from things external. We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life - If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these. My heart is full of so many things to say to you - ah - there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all - Cheer up - remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours. The gods must send us the rest, what for us must and shall be-

Your faithful Ludwig

Evening, Monday, July 6

You are suffering, my dearest creature - only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays - Thursdays - the only day on which the mail-coach goes from here to K. - You are suffering - Ah, wherever I am, you are with me - I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!!! thus!!!! without you - pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither - which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it - Humility of man towards man - it pains me - and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He - whom we call the greatest - and yet - herein lies the divine in man - I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday - Much as you love me - I love you more - But do not ever conceal yourself from me - good night - As I am taking the baths I must go to bed - Oh God - so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of Heaven? -

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, not and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us - I can only live wholly with you or not at all - Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the lands of spirits - Yes unhappily it must be so - You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart - never - never - Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V[ienna] is now a wretched life - Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men - at my age I need a steady, quiet life - can that be so in out connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes everyday - therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the l[etter] at once. - Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve out purpose to live together - Be calm - love me - today - yesterday - what tearful longings for you - you - you - my life - my all - farewell. -Oh continue to love me - never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

Yes, I have a collection of classical giants bobblehead :) I heart Beethoven.

Auf Wiedersehen,

jakey

Paging Dr McSteamy, McDreamy and George Clooney!

I've always wondered why I never got into watching "Grey's Anatomy", "ER", "House" or any other variations of those long and winded medical tv shows. I realized yesterday, as I sat waiting in the emergency room that I really don't like hospitals at all. Ironic because as a kid, I always thought that I would someday grow up to become a doctor. Neither happened. I didn't grow (well only a little) and I'm in the thriving mortgage industry (notice the sarcasm and the snortfest in between the line). The best laid plans gone a wry!

I drove my sister Joan to the emergency room late in the afternoon yesterday because she was having difficulty breathing. After all the blood work, CT scan and 24 hours of monitoring was said and done the results came back as a case of a really severe asthma attack. Whew! Not to discount the severity of her situation but I'm glad it is only that. No weird complications or blood clot in her lungs. It's her STUPID and DISGUSTING smoking habit that sent her there this time around. SMOKING is SO bad for you! Yes, I'm talking to you too, Marge, Cecil and the rest of the pack rat! I'll get through you guys sooner or later.

As I sat in the gawd awful waiting room, flipping through the 2008 Christmas edition of Victoria's Secret catalog, I thought, Wow! Adriana looks so hot in that Teddy number... j/k. Actually, I was thinking about Dr's Mc Steamy, Mc Dreamy or the George Clooney's of the ER. Where the heck are they? The only McSteamy happening in the ER was the collective breaths from the wheezing, coughing and hyperventilating of the casualties fogging up the window! The happy faces of the actors on the show were replaced by the registration attendant who looked like she would also need to be admitted if she allowed herself even a crack of smile. The man in his forty's sitting quietly in the corner, face flushed and as he made his way to the bathroom walked ever so slowly with legs slightly bow legged, a hernia was my diagnosis. I've seen that look and walk before. The father rushing in to admit his 7 year old son who broke his left arm was crying out in agony. The little girl whimpering because she too also broke a bone, her pinky. It was so emotionally, mentally and physically draining to be surrounded with such energy. I finally crawled to bed at half past midnight and of course suffered through a night of fitful sleep.

For those of you who have known me for years know how mundane, predictable for the most part and habitual my life can be at times. All these unfortunate circumstances of late has forced me to juggle everything all at once and try not lose myself in the process. Here's what I'm realizing as I share this with you. Sudden catastrophies unite families, forces us to sit and stay put, possibly read a book, etc... Usually the damage is quick and the healing is what takes time. Yes, it sucks that such small tragedies occur and can sometimes off set us daily but I am happier already knowing all I have is healing ahead of me and that goes for the rest of the family as well.

By the way, I am aware that this world is huge. I am aware that I cannot possibly be aware of every sickness, accidents or mishaps. I understand there are families out there suffering worst problems and my heart sends out its message of peace, love and healing. But the next time you see me, a good tight hug or a pat on the back will be greatly welcomed, appreciated and reciprocated.

I hate to end this with doom and gloom so here's something completely random...

Hot friend: "I'm going to have duck confit sliders..."
Me: ... crickets ... thought bubble ..." Wow! Really? How can anyone ever eat this?"

Charlotte is human imprinted

Charlotte's baby

All together now.... Aaaaawwww, so cute!

Duck the Halls!!!

ps: he had kobe beef instead :)

jakey

Excuse me while I kiss this guy...

I had a full on sensory overload weekend. It started on Thursday night at the Opera: The entertainment for the evening was La Boheme. Great production, longest dying scene, good wine, good times.

My usual Friday night of scrap booking, sewing or harvesting toe nail clippings (zexy, i know!) was replaced with an invitation to dinner and a concert. I was treated to a home cooked meal. It was a very lovely dinner. I even got flowers. No, not the traditional arrangement. This one came in a form of Pinot Noir 2006 called Flowers. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it since I heart Cabs. I almost felt guilty for a second and then I moved on.

After dinner we went to see The SF Chorus Girls Choir or maybe it's the Chorus Girls of SF Choir...Oh wait, I got it... It's the Girls Chorus...ah feck it, you know what I mean jelly bean :) Anyhow, they sang traditional old world Christmas Carols and some contemporary ones as well. My favorite one was "Tomorrow Shall Be My Dancing Day" ch-ch-check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq17LSg8uFM&feature=related

They also did a Sing-A-Long bit and that was pretty cool. I fought the urge to sing along for 2 reasons, A: Its not karaoke night, hence I was sober and B: My too cute to boot friend sang heartily enough for the both of us... :)

My most favorite part of the concert was the last song that they sang: 'Silent Night'. Yes, cliche I know but I always had this vision in my head of how 'Silent Night' should be sung, delivered and the whole ambiance. Check, check and check! It was beautifully done. I remember looking over to my gracious host and thought, it can't get any better than this.

Being the creature of habit that I am, I went on a hike Saturday morning for the first time at Marin Headlands. The sun was out, the temperature chilly and the wind factor, well, I'm still recovering from the wind burn on my cheeks. Nonetheless, it was my type of Saturday morning so it was perfect! As we sat on the top of the mountain, sipping hot tea with Sausalito, Tiburon, Mill Valley to our left peripheral view and the Golden Gate directly in front of us, my thoughts are silent and my inner voice at peace.

Here's an idea you can try to remind you of how magnificent and accessible the universe is. Next time you find yourself in the great outdoors and as you take stock of the beauty that is surrounding you and looking UP at the sky, remember that you're really looking OUT. Huh? what's Jake smoking now? Let me elaborate... Aren't we indeed simply stuck to the side of the planet? When you look at a picture of Earth, we're not necessarily on top of it. Nope. We're just stuck to the side of it; all of us just dangling out here on our sides of the rock. Thank God, Buddha, Yahweh, Allah for GRAVITY that is keeping us safe. Gravity is like the guard rail for that oh so exhilirating ride that you've been waiting to get on for like an hour! It's the fence that keeps us from peering too far over the edge of the Golden Gate Bridge. Gravity is our seat belt protecting us from oblivion. Pretty far out huh?

I promise this small activity; this paradigm shift in your thinking will make you feel different about the linear surface of the Earth, that which we often spend too many hours defending our egos, our political borders and religious beliefs.

If I'm in your thoughts, then I'm closer than I'll ever be

jakey